Our Ever Existing Feelings
by Aclarra
Summary: GSD Dearka of ZAFT finds himself awaiting the arrival of the Archangel in what is to be a meeting of peace. However, what really catches his mind is the idea that Miriallia may be on that very ship, and if so he won't let her go a second time.
1. Chapter 1

_Beginning somewhere in the middle of the GSD TV series, this fan fiction mainly follows the relationship of Dearka Elsman and Miriallia Haw. There may be mention of Athrun & Cagalli and Kira & Lacus pairings during. I may or may not end up adding chapters to this. If I don't, the end is pretty self-explanatory._

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><p>Tapping my fingers on the rail, I watch as the Archangel approaches and proceeds to dock. By now the war has escalated into a full blown battle. Captain Ramius of the Archangel, Representative Cagalli Yula Athha and, the supposedly, real Lacus Clyne have been requesting, on many occasions, meetings of peace. They are never going to stop until the war ends. And why should they? Certainly they will realise soon that Chairman Durandal wishes for the same thing. After refusing to cease intervening in our battles against the Earth Forces the Chairman has finally decided to take them seriously. Soon they will be seeing things our way and we'll all be glad to get back to fighting for our cause. To save the Plants and restore humanity to a safer state.<p>

I hear him approaching before he puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me around.

"Yo, Yzak." I give him a mock salute, looking him up and down in his white uniform. The uniform of a superior. A commander none-the-less. When did he surpass me so far? It may or may not have something to do with me being court martialled for being a traitor and being downgraded to a regular ZAFT soldier. My decisions during the second battle of Jachin Due weren't well received. But hey, I'm not saying anything.

"Dearka." He grimaces at my salute and leans over the railing, taking in the sight of the Archangel. "It is still an impressive ship, even after all this time."

It hasn't really been that long, I want to tell him. However, I know what he's trying to say. It feels like it's been an eternity since we last saw it in person.

"So," he begins, "have you spoken to Athrun yet today? He's being awfully dismissive, especially when I bring up the discussion of a certain representative. It is kind of… fun to see him so bewildered. Like he doesn't know how he should answer, if at all. He-"

I'm barely paying any attention to what he's saying and it takes me a lot of effort to snap out of it and stop staring down at the dock. It takes me a few seconds to realise Yzak has stopped talking and is scowling at me again.

Yzak leans closer and tightens his brow. "Oi, you're not listening to me, are you? I know what it is you're thinking. You've been all mopey since the announcement about the Archangel. Well suck it up because Miriallia is not going to all of a sudden open one of those doors and jump out. You know she's gone off to be a photographer or whatever it was."

"Freelance photographer, yeah." I'm back to staring at the ship, kind of hoping what he just said will come true. Soon enough I sigh and run my hand through my hair. Sticking to the real world shouldn't be so hard. But every time I close my eyes I see her face and wish things didn't have to have ended between us.

Maybe it was my attitude towards naturals. I have changed a lot since the day we first met, but I suppose there still are some lingering feelings, and I did let them out once in a while. After all, it's a little difficult to think differently about naturals after hearing only bad things about them your whole life. That doesn't excuse me though. Many people grew up thinking the same about coordinators.

I turn toward Yzak and give him a tight smile. "Yeah, sorry. I'm not exactly thinking right at the moment."

He rolls his eyes and makes a melodramatic gesture with his hand. Turning his back on me he makes his way to the door, leaving the over-hanging ledge I stand on that looks out over the vast armoury.

"Just don't get too caught up, Dearka. I know you want her to be here with you but you know just as well as I do that it just didn't work out that way." The door opens and he walks through it before it quietly slides shut behind him.

Re-arranging my collar I take one last glance in the direction of the Archangel and make a decision. I'll get out of here and won't return until the ship has left. Otherwise I'll spend the rest of the week wondering if she really were on it. Then I'd try something stupid, like sneak on board. Oh love, the things you make me do.

I laugh under my breath and hesitantly walk off.

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><p>Before long I find myself geared up and sitting at the controls of my new Blaze ZAKU Phantom. I work on the controls and stats, changing them to suit my style. There is nothing worse than being in an advanced mobile suit and having to deal with a system that doesn't conform to your needs and standards. It's especially troublesome trying to configure the system during battle. So I figure I had better finish this before taking off.<p>

Not too long beforehand I had been speaking with Yzak, reassuring him of my plans and getting permission of temporary leave. He said he'd work me twice as hard when I get back, with his usual scowl on show. Maybe his real intention is for me to leave and never come back. It would explain his attitude whenever he felt the need to reprimand me. Which was mighty often I might add.

Attitude aside, we really are great pals. No, really.

I take a drink from the bottle beside me and nearly spit it all over the controls when Yzak all of a sudden opens the hatch.

"Hey, you forgot something important." He bends over and smacks me over the head.

On the verge of hitting him back, I slap my hand to the back of my head and squint at the pain. "Why must you do that all the time? You hit hard, dammit!" I throw the bottle at him and watch him jump out of the way, nearly forgetting how high up the hatch is. He grabs onto the handles and steadies himself, surely considering hitting me again.

Instead he holds one of his hands out at me and lifts an eyebrow. "Now that that's dealt with, how about you hand over what's in your pocket?"

Shocked, I wave my hands about in defeat. "What have you been doing? Stalking me for the past hour or so? Nothing ever gets by you, Commander." I emphasize the last word and reach into my pocket, taking hold of the small box and throw it at him. Yzak catches it without trouble while I feign ignorance. Even though I'd just admitted to taking it.

He smirks. "Indeed." Slowly he swivels and places his foot in the cable hanging from above and presses a button that makes it descend to the ground. The meeting must be getting to him as well, because he's usually a man of many words.

Once he's out of hearing distance I once again return to the self-pity that engrossed me on the balcony from before. I lift my hand from the controls and flex it before smashing it back down, making a cracking sound as it hits the screen.

Be a man, Dearka, I tell myself. There is a very low chance Miriallia will even be here. And what if she is? Are you going to turn and run when she sees you?

I lean backwards into the seat and rest my head, still pounding a little. I'll probably have a headache by tonight. Damn that Yzak. He hadn't been watching me at all. He knew from the very beginning that I'd take it with me and spend every waking moment turning it in my hands.

The box. The box with the ring I'd bought all that time ago and was planning on giving to her. To be honest, I'm glad I didn't have the chance. She probably would have said no.

Placing my hand over my eyes I relax and take a few deep breaths. Then I get out of the Phantom, shut the hatch and speak to the nearby mechanics. After carefully explaining that I'd lost my temper and broken one of the control screens I head for my quarters, pretending they hadn't all just looked at me like I was a little crazy for wrecking a very costly machine, even if only a little.

My plans to leave are gone. I'll stay and I'll wait it out, and if she is here I'll make sure never to let her go again.

It would be funny if all this worry was for nothing, but I have a feeling it won't be.


	2. Chapter 2

_As you can see, I eventually decided to continue on from the previous chapter. However! It begins from another character's point of view and from a completely different part of the story. If I do end up continuing this further I will eventually connect the two. Hence, if you feel lost, you need-not worry - you're not imagining things._

_I've been working on this chapter for a little while and I can't seem to get it right. It just feels like I sat here and ranted from the character's point of view for a good half hour and then expanded on it. I also can't seem to get the motivation to redo it, so this will just have to do I think._

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><p>I stand on the bridge walkway and ponder hauling myself over the iron bars in front of me and jumping into the deep, dark blue below. I don't though. Still standing here, I think the same thing over and over again. My mind is killing me. Though aren't I already dead? The thought of being beyond headaches is beautiful. It's kind of unsettling though since I'd rather have a gruelling headache than be six feet under. So in a silly little way I'm thankful. I'm pretty sure I'm still dead though, which just raises more questions and makes me hate myself as I can feel the slight pounding in my head get a little worse.<p>

Taking in the vibrant colours shining off of the water I take a moment to stare wide-eyed at the simulator above and behind me. It looks so close to the real thing. At least I've been told. I have never, once, been on or close to Earth. Everything in my memory is just a hologram fabricated to make me believe that even the slightest hole in this gigantic snow globe – minus the snow – I live in won't make my blood boil and burst from my insides. That I won't spend one or two minutes suffocating and wishing I'd just hurry up and die already. The dream of dying in my bed at home surrounded by children, grandchildren, maybe even great-grandchildren, really appeals to me. Believe me when I say that. I've heard some pretty gruesome stories about death in space.

A large shadow that moves through the choppy water catches my attention and moves my thoughts away from that of death. Taking a deep breath of the fresh, cold manufactured Winter's air I pull my jacket closer to my body and shove my hands in the fur lined pockets.

Heliopolis really is a wonderful place to live. I don't regret growing up in a place like this, even if I had the choice not to. One day, I will definitely visit the blue world. In the letters he sends me, Sai likes to entertain me with tales of the many histories and cultures of Earth. When we get caught up in it we sometimes even start planning out our adventures. We've already decided that as soon as we get married we will take the first shuttle available there. And when we arrive we will head off to see what remains of the many ancient Wonders of the World. Sai has told me that only few remain as the rest were destroyed in the past century during all of the different wars that were fought. It's saddening that we didn't get our chance to view the ones that no longer remain. What is gained by fighting, I will never know.

That is only the beginning though. I hope, no, I will make sure that we live some of the most fulfilled lives in humanity. I'm so pleased that father betrothed Sai to me. We make the perfect match. I love the adventurous side of him. He makes everything sound plausible, like we could do everything we ever wanted in our tiny human lifespan. As if everyone in the world could do it too, if only they wanted. Forget about the money and whatever else could and would get in the way.

I giggle and bring my hand to my mouth, hoping to hide my laughter as if he were watching me now. I imagine him looking downwards, embarrassed for goodness knows what reason. The thought of it entertains me. It brings images of every natural on the planet standing in one big line waiting to ride the newest rollercoaster. People are shouting, "How long is this going to take? We want to cross this off our lists already and get to the next thing!"

Dropping my hand back to the other and crossing my arms under my jacket, my mood dampens. If only we could all have happiness. If only we could all have everything. Every want. Every desire. Every silly little feeling. Why, oh why, does my mind keep reverting to unhappy thoughts?

Coordinators. The blame belongs with them. Each morning I wake up to another day of wondering if we are next. If even though we are a neutral colony that someone will make the decision that we're in the way and need to be eradicated. After all, we are on much better terms with the Earth Forces than ZAFT. The vast majority of our population on Heliopolis are naturals. To be honest, I don't think I've ever met a coordinator once in my life.

Suddenly the image of someone's face flashes in front of my eyes and before I can gather who they are it is gone. I move away from the edge and consider going home. This is enough Flay, I tell myself. Enough wandering around in the middle of the night feeling as if you're missing something. You know just how lucky you are and how fantastic your life is. The opportunities you have that the rest don't, they're yours. Take them and use them wisely.

I tense as a breeze hits me with enough force to move me slightly sideways. I regain my balance and glance downwards once more.

Those people – if you could call them that – make my blood boil with rage. The things they've done, the people they've hurt. Our dreams are just turning to shattered mirrors, broken and covered in the blood of the one who smashed them. I don't care what anyone says. We would be much better off if they never existed!

In a matter of moments I have my gun in my hand and have the safety off. Before I realise what I'm doing it's out of the hidden pocket in my jacket and pointed straight at the man now standing in front of me. He has brown hair and bright eyes, and I swear I recall him. From where is this face? A flood of unknown emotion hits me like a wave as I still try to come to terms with the gun in my hands.

Only a few seconds seemed to have passed as I notice that I never had a gun in the first place. I've never held one before in my life, nevertheless hidden one in my clothing. Though still, it's there in my hands and shaking violently and I watch as the eyes of the man only a metre away from me stare straight back at it. He doesn't even blink once and just continues looking. My heart aches at the smile I can see slowly coming to his face. Does he not even take note of the gun in my hands or is he just plain crazy? I contemplate shouting at him, calling him an idiot for smiling in the face of danger.

His grin finally fully reaches his face and I watch every line it makes, even taking note of the dimples in his cheeks. Out of the blue I feel my hands trying to loosen their grip on the gun. I can feel my heart pushing my brain to send the signals. To tell my hands to drop it, then place them on his face. To feel the heat from his cheeks, the movement of the air from his mouth warm my cold face as I move ever closer. I somehow suddenly feel the determination not to give in. Something is holding me back and one part of me wants him dead and the other just… wants him.

Memories I'm not sure are real hit me and I can feel myself going completely red in the face. I can see us together on a ship in space. I can see him holding me at night, making me feel so secure. Next he's laughing as he sits in the seat next to me and I stupidly try to feed him dinner. The two of us walking along the top of the ship, that is now gliding effortlessly across the top of an ocean. My heart jumps a beat as I realise, and so greatly hope, that it is Earth the ocean belongs to. Finally, jealousy squeezes its way in and among the many other memories that bared themselves to me. It stands out the most and I grit my teeth and tightly close my eyes as I wish it gone. I feel like crying when my brain finally lets up, and in what seems to be slow motion my hands slowly let go of the gun and it topples to the concrete, bounces a couple of times and stops before it falls off the edge.

I make a move to get closer to him and a piercing light emanates from him and blinds me momentarily. I throw my hands in front of my eyes to block it. As I regain my sight I start to shake and throw my arms around myself. Tears stream violently down my cheeks and I throw myself to the ground. He is gone.

My mouth moves on its own and I am both surprised and saddened at the words that come out.

"I didn't really mean it, Kira," I say into the darkness. My voice cracks and I croakily let out just one more light sound towards the quiet, empty bridge in front of me. "Please come back to me…"

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><p>I awake to the sound of the alarm next to me and I don't move an inch. I feel like I've been hit by a car and I race through my mind trying to remember the dream that has already escaped me. Why do I still dream when I'm dead, I wonder.<p>

Maybe it's because I'm still here, still alive. Maybe it's because I'm the clone of a dead girl.

Of who exactly, I don't know.


End file.
